


And I Wanna Feel Something Again

by SkeletalSasquatch



Series: The AIWFSA Universe [1]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Addiction, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a song, Enjolras Is Bad At Feelings, Enjolras/Grantaire-centric, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff and Angst, Grantaire & Éponine Thénardier Friendship, Grantaire-centric, Hurt/Comfort, I have too many headcanons, Les Amis de l'ABC Shenanigans, M/M, Multi, My First AO3 Post, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recovery, Substance Abuse, Trans Grantaire, everyone has names now, im totally not projecting my issues onto the pov character, its because some of these will be written on my phone lol, some aren't, some chapters are in all lowercase, the notes of the first chapter will have some context, the song is sober up by AJR, this is more elaborate than it needs to be
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:20:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24102001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkeletalSasquatch/pseuds/SkeletalSasquatch
Summary: Grantaire was a very simple person, in the minds of everyone around him. He liked art, being an asshole, and drinking. That's all people knew, and Grantaire preferred it that way. No one bothered getting really close to him, and that's exactly what he wanted. He had everyone he needed. He had Bahorel, Eponine, Jehan, and Courfeyrac. They'd all been friends for years, and Grantaire loved them. Grantaire had reasons for distancing himself.For one, he was a raging alcoholic. He had been since high school. And lately, things have been worse.Everyone was noticing that he was acting different. He was constantly drunk or getting drunk, he wasn't going to class, and he was even moodier than he was before. He was clearly on one of his annual benders. But it was going on for way longer than it always did.After a while, he just disappeared. Never answered calls or texts, never seen by anyone. No one knew where he was or what he was doing. His friends were very worried, and so was the social justice group he was in. He knew people were looking for him.What he didn't expect was the leader, Enjolras, who hated his guts, showing up at his door.(my tumblr is poetandmadman)
Relationships: Bahorel/Jean Prouvaire, Cosette Fauchelevent/Éponine Thénardier, Courfeyrac/Marius Pontmercy, Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables), Feuilly/Joly, there is other stuff
Series: The AIWFSA Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1740856
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	And I Wanna Feel Something Again

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS!! DO NOT SKIP.
> 
> This story is literally about Grantaire recovering from his alcohol addiction, coping with trauma/mental illness/suicidal thoughts. i will give a complete list (i'll add this list in all the beginning notes, plus extra ones as they come up).
> 
> Frequent/Graphic: Suicide, Self Harm, Alcoholism, Child Abuse (mental, emotional, verbal and physical), Childhood Abandonment, Homophobia and Transphobia, Addiction, Self Hatred.
> 
> Comes Up A Few Times: Vomit, Talks Of Weight Gain/Loss, Sexual Violence, Slurs (no racial slurs, I'm very white and I don't want to venture into areas I shouldn't venture into), Racism (see last trigger).
> 
> Please don't be mean to me, I'm trying! :D

The mornings were always the worst. 

His head was pounding, and he could feel the nausea the second he sat up. Grantaire has been here enough times that you would think he would expect it. It still hits him every time. Getting out of bed was hard enough as is, he didn't need a hangover on top of everything. Having a hangover every morning can really fuck with your sleep schedule. At least, it would if he had one. 

This had been his entire month. Every morning was pretty much the same, as were the days. He woke up, and ate something (if he remembered to). He sat on his couch, watching mindless TV or random youtube videos. He'd send the calls from his concerned friends straight to voicemail and silence his phone. He would do that for the majority of the day. When it got late, he'd either go out and drink, or he'd have someone over and drink. He'd have unfulfilling sex, then drink or smoke pot. His partner would go home, and he'd crash on the couch. Some days were different, but those involved a lot of crying and sharp objects. More of those days involved crying and sharp objects as the month went on, and everything was coming to a head. 

Because he was going to die in four days. 

It was all planned out, and he was trying to enjoy himself before the curtain closes. No one knew about this, obviously. He hadn't spoken to any of his friends in a month, he wasn't about to start now. Especially because he didn't want them to see him. Courfeyrac had, and that might've pushed him over the edge.

He still remembered when Courfeyrac came to help him earlier that month. Jehan had caught wind of Grantaire's fall to rock bottom, and told Courfeyrac to do something. So, Courfeyrac showed up just as one of his nightly partners was leaving. Courfeyrac wasn't angry, at first. He was really concerned. Grantaire laughed at his concern, and waved him off. Courfeyrac kept going, trying to explain to Grantaire what he was doing to not only his friends, but himself. Grantaire didn't take that well, and said something to Courfeyrac that he knew he'd regret forever.

_"I don't give a single fuck if you don't like what I'm doing. Am I hurting you? No? Then leave me the fuck alone. I don't get why you care, I'm fine. Just because I'm enjoying myself in a way you don't like doesn't mean that you can show up and harass me in the middle of the night. Jesus Christ, Courf! Just fuck off."_

Grantaire knew Courfeyrac was crying. He was crying as he turned on his heel and left. The next morning, he was out of the groupchat they had with Eponine, Bahorel, Cosette, and Jehan. It looked like Courfeyrac blocked him, too.

That morning, he wrote the note. He finalized his plan, and chose a date. Everything was final, and he didn't even feel upset. 

He didn't feel anything at all. He hadn't in months.

So, he got out of bed. Time to start the day, how exciting.

His arm still hurt. He might've gone a little ham on the cutting last night. It hurt, but he kept reminding himself that it was supposed to. He sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He walks over to his couch, checking what was on that morning. It wasn't morning, it was noon. But it was morning in Grantaire time. Nothing particularly great, but he didn't care. He'd probably just turn on the Discovery channel and let that take him wherever. He didn't want to eat anything. He knew he would just vomit, and his throat was already burnt from vomiting so much. But he wanted food, so he decided to eat Nutella in a way that you really shouldn't eat Nutella, and that is straight out of the jar with a spoon. He knew that it was kind of nasty, but it tasted good and he honestly did not care. 

So, Grantaire, in his boxers (the comfy ones, with the sloth pattern), hops up onto his counter with a jar of Nutella in hand. Grantaire often wondered how his life got to be this way. He knew the answer, logically, but it was still weird to him. Ever since his mom died, he had wondered how different everything could've been if his mom had gotten custody of him. Things would've been better. But it just makes things worse, thinking about what could have been. In Grantaire's life, nothing ever comes out with the best possible outcome. Things always had to get fucked up. He learned very early on that nothing lasts. 

He could hardly remember anything from before his mom left. The only real memories he had with her was visiting her in the hospital before she died. He showed her pictures of his friends, drawings he made for her, and told her funny stories. She apologized many times for not being able to win custody, but Grantaire assured her that she was okay. He even brought Eponine to a visit one time. The most bittersweet memory was when Grantaire told his mom that he was changing his legal surname to be hers. She died that night. That was the last time they had hugged.

This was his life. The rest of his life would just be this, he thought to himself. Thinking about his mom while in his boxers, sitting on his counter. He always thought he would want to go out with a bang, but this seemed better. A quiet exit, no grandiose goodbyes. Just write a 'thank you' to all of his individual friends, and then get it over with. Something quiet, something quick. He didn't want to suffer anymore. He just wanted to leave his demons behind and be somewhere else. Somewhere with his mom, where nothing can hurt him anymore, and he can be a kid again. 

That's all he wanted. Everything was fine, well, as fine as it could be.

Until he heard a single knock on his door. 

Grantaire sighs, trying to ignore it. Then another, more forceful knock. He knew it could be any one of his friends, trying to drag him out of his apartment in to a psych ward or rehab center. It could be someone looking for someone else, just at the wrong door. But, even then, they'd see him slice and bruised and get concerned. 

Knock three. 

"Good grief, christ. I'm gonna get it." He mumbled to himself. He jumped off of the counter, and set down his Nutella jar. The second he opens the door, he gets a packet of paper shoved into his chest. 

"You do know that you've been gone for a month, right? An entire month of no contact with anyone?"


End file.
